Letter to Daddy

Dear Heavenly Daddy,

Halleluiah! How tender is Your everlasting love! I praise You for the magnificent experience at Encounter Weekend!

Daddy, do you remember on the first night, I traipsed into the Magic Box with a heavy heart. It had been a tremendously long and draining week. Were you disappointed with me, Father? I was burdened and my heart had closed its gates to You.

The crossing.
The sheet of sins was stained.
Where was the pure and white sheet?
Disappear, ugly sins!
But... what can I do?
Who can save me?

As I prepared to go to bed, flashes of a past dream came flooding back. It was a dream that I lacked the courage to mention to anyone until very recently. Lord, You said that I will not enter Heaven even though I was already saved. Was it You, Father? Was it? I dwelled on it. However, that night, I dreamt that I was running after You twice. What did it mean, Lord?

Father, forgive me for not being receptive towards You. Instead of encountering you, I spent most of the time fighting that evil voice in my head on Saturday. That voice told me that You will reject me. That voice told me that You have forgotten me. That voice told me to go home, that this was not the place I was meant to be in. Ridiculous! That voice kept intruding into my private, intimate time with You Father and I had difficulties concentrating. I was so desperate to draw near to You, Lord. I scribbled letters after letters furiously in my prayer journal, hoping that You would hear me. I earnestly prayed that You would make Your appearance. Everyone was crying because of the Holy Spirit; I was crying because I could not encounter you. I wanted to slap myself for being so cowardly, for being so faithless. I wanted to throw my rock-hard heart out of the window so desperately that I kept thinking of a marshmallow in an attempt to soften my heart. Why was there a barrier between You and me?

I want you, Lord, I want you!!

I started to doubt. I doubted Your sovereignty and I questioned Your existence. Forgive me for my ignorance and my lack of faith! At the Ministry of the cross, I prayed hard that I will conquer anything that will come my way. I sang louder and louder, albeit off key, hoping that my voice would be able to muffle any negative thoughts racing wildly through my head. As we viewed the Passion of the Christ video clip, You spoke to me and the revelation of the cross came crashing down.

It was then that I realised that I believe. Yet, it was not enough for You, Lord. You wanted me to believe even more sincerely. That was what You wanted me to learn. Father, You wanted to enlarge my faith! You wanted me to let go, to trust you and to lean on You completely. I thought that I was guarded only towards the people around me but I ended up hiding from You. I must have hurt You deeply! I’m so sorry… Forgive me, Father! Lord, I finally understood the dream. You wanted me to run after you forever. With your power and blessings, no one can obstruct our relationship. You desired my trust and my faith. I will give it to You! Gone were those thoughts I was struggling with the whole day. Adieu Satan.

I was there at the crucifixion.
There, I saw, the sheets of sins.
Smeared with angry, black streaks.
Pinned tightly to the cross.

Daddy, You were gracious enough to enter my dreams again that night. I was echoing something that You told me to tell my people (which I cannot recall what it was). I obediently obeyed till I whispered something to You and You replied, “Yes, my child”.

Silence.

“What do you mean, Father? Are You listening to me? Will You listen to me?”

“Yes, my child, of course I will listen to you.”

Astonished. I did not expect my Heavenly Daddy to listen to me. I have long forgotten the real meaning of prayer. Perhaps, it was because of the distractions that plagued my recent prayers. Perhaps, prayer was yet another daily chore to me. Perhaps, my prayer was a hollow vase without a drop of passion. I had forgotten that I was talking to God. I was just chanting out my daily report to any spirits around me who would hear. Yes, Father, You reassured me that You will always be here and You will listen to me. Daddy, You encouraged me and gave me a new perspective and dimension of prayer.

You made sparks of joy explode within me. I woke up with a grin a mile long.

The blood of the Holy Lamb dripped,
Trickling down the sheet.
Forgiven, cleansed, transformed.
A clean and pure white paper shone from afar.

I was baptized and touched by the Holy Spirit. Initially, I resisted and I blanched with fear at the sight of people shaking, shrieking and writhing on the ground. The moment my guide, Samantha, started to pray for me, I switched from singing “Come Holy Spirit, fall on me now” to “Stop, stop, stop! Don’t come!” Doubting my ability to receive the gift of tongues, You proved me wrong when my lips trembled and came to life on their own. Yet, I bit my lips to deter the path of the Holy Spirit. Father, You were merciful and You comforted me. You assured me of your presence. You were there. I fell. Immersing in the sweet presence of you, Heavenly Daddy, I felt so small beside You. You reminded me of how almighty You are. You filled me with the zeal and hunger to yearn for you even more and more.

Colours of hope, joy, wisdom and peace
The Lord awaits to paint my life.
Oh, the mighty cross.

Subconsciously, I have laid down most of my burdens at the foot of the cross. Angels of joy fluttered around me as I pranced out of Sentosa, carefree and radiant! I was thirsting for more, More, MORE! Come on, Father! Tell the world to challenge me! I will show them what my Daddy is capable of! Heavenly Daddy, I love you sooo much! =) I pray that my flame of passion for You and You alone will NEVER extinguish! I will keep my eyes on You till the end of time and I will shine for you always! Thank you for rejuvenating me! Thank you for loving me! Thank you!!

Amen! Amen!!

Love,
your daughter,
Yafen
Meijin’s 12